Fitting In: Dating & Hygiene
My son has carved out a place for himself in school. He has not lost his identity or buried his Autism; he has made friends and found his niche. Chris enjoys dance and loves music. His classmates share his interests and passions. Music has forged the way for relationships. My son socializes within his comfort zone. We all respect that. I honor his social limitations. Chris grooms himself, makes sure he is clean and fresh and dresses like the guys at school. He smiles and flaps his way through the day but shares moments with his friends as well. He greets the custodian and the principal, waves to the ladies in the office and proudly shows off his new haircut to the class. We all want to “fit in” to a certain extent, we all need friendships and we all want to feel welcome. My son is a citizen, a part of his community and deserves to be treated as such.
I spoke to a woman with Autism a few years ago and she related to me how pleased she was with her life. She chose not to go out much; she maintained only a handful of relationships and enjoyed staying at home. We must respect this lifestyle as well. When my daughter would come home from high school, I would be greeted by a grunt, a moan and a wave. She would then disappear upstairs. I didn’t yell up to her, “Social time, come on down!” I respected her privacy and I believe in my son’s as well.
I am not speaking from both sides of my mouth, I just believe in giving our kids a chance. Invariably during my presentation, a parent will stand up and boast how they allow their daughter to attend school wearing her orange tights over her purple skirt. The child is independent and creative but also being set up for cruel treatment and rejection. Our children function differently and at times do not possess the skills to “fit in.” They will talk obsessively about favorite subjects, categorize, may seem aloof and self involved. My son does not enjoy team sports and wrestles with many sensory issues throughout the day. However, Chris is treated with kindness and love. He is not shunned or feared, he “fits in.”
Find a mentor for your child. I think the best advisor for a person with Autism is a person with Autism. Fitness and body image are important as well as self esteem and confidence. Help your child recognize the “hidden code”, the in’s and out’s of socialization. We are readily accepted when we share common interests, that is reality.
Peer support, guidance and parental love preclude exclusion. Acceptance keeps us safe. “Fitting in” means not getting our feelings hurt. I want my boy to feel welcome but never lose his purity or spirituality.
Dating
Dating is as frightening as the first day of school. It is scary, new territory. Our children need support. We must also give credence to those who do not wish to date or find the notion of going out to socialize, an overwhelming experience.
Parents, rehearse “the date” with your kids. Utilize scripting, social stories and video modeling. Discussing similar interests will put your date at ease and enhance the evening’s conversation. Talk about your computer skills or your love of rock and roll, just try not to perseverate.
Parents please screen potential partners and choose safe and secure meeting places. Review the subtleties of dating.
People with Autism can meet friends in library study groups, social clubs, recreational activities and places of worship.
Help your child with their difficulty reading social cues and body language. “Typical” people rely on these skills when socializing. Gently remind your child that just because they are attracted to someone does not mean the interest is reciprocal. Remember dating can be potentially harmful. Relax and enjoy the date, try not to take it too seriously. If you do start a relationship it may serve you well to reveal your Autism. Speak about your coping strategies and why you might need to take a break. Communicate with your parents or a specialist. Suggest that your child does not rush preliminary touching or sexual contact. It will come naturally. While on a date, observe quietly and take it all in but please don’t change who you are. Maintain eye contact, smile, and be respectful and mindful of personal space. Adjust your volume and tone if possible. Answer questions honestly but don’t reveal too much at first. Don’t stare at your date. Remember dress well and be hygienic.
If you are invited to a social gathering or party, don’t be the first to arrive. Allow yourself to be “fashionably late.” This will enable you to familiarize yourself with your surroundings. Learn the “social taboos.” Sometimes you simply cannot wait to tell your friends of your attraction to someone. Hold back, they may use it against you or tell the person of your interest. Before going out, picture how the date will go. Utilize your ability to “think in pictures.” Avoid negative people who may try and sabotage your relationship. By the way, the bathroom is a great place to take a break and “flap.” If you are comfortable tell your friend how they can help if you begin to feel over stimulated. Keep the date simple and don’t focus intensely on details.
Be confident, you have a lot to offer. Keep up your self esteem and don’t forget the cologne!
Hygiene
Personal hygiene, socialization and dating go hand in hand. Speaking of personal hygiene, my son and I shared a unique experience the other day. When Chris emerged from the shower, I quickly realized two things. My son was the hairiest person with Autism in the world and he needed to be “manscaped!” I explained to Chris what was about to take place and retrieved my clippers. My boy pretty much laughed through the whole ordeal. Not wanting to miss an opportunity to teach personal safety, I pointed to Chris’ newly groomed private area and said in my best “expert” voice, “Remember bud, no one should touch you down there. What do you say if someone tries to put their hand there?” Chris looked down and promptly shouted “Penis!” There goes my expert status.
Years ago we used Discreet Trial to teach personal health. I had the therapists hold a toothbrush up to their mouths, move it back and forth and say, “Brush.” Chris would then hold the brush up to his mouth and just move it around, so I bought all the therapists their own toothbrushes and had them actually brush their teeth. Chris caught on very quickly! We also became more naturalistic in our teaching. My son had many fears and phobias to deal with. We took “baby steps” and celebrated every accomplishment. He was afraid of haircuts, baths, showers, bathrooms and the toilet. He worked very hard and overcame his fears.
Taking care of our bodies promotes independence. Establish routines for personal health, early. As our children enter puberty, hygiene takes on an even more important role. Hair begins to sprout and there are new odors to deal with. Grooming and appearance are so important during the teenage years.
Here are some suggestions for promoting good health habits:
- Use social stories and visual supports
- Write lists and schedules
- Create simple, concise hygienic routines
- Use repetition and routine
- Remember generalization—-just because your child knows how to function in the home bathroom, doesn’t necessarily translate to the outside world.
- Teach modesty and privacy
Use an A.M. and P.M. checklist—for example:
- Brushing teeth
- Hair brushing
- Skin care
- Clean clothing
- Shower
- Deodorant
And for teens:
- Shaving
- Cologne or perfume (teen boys LOVE their Axe spray)
- Acne care
- Trimming pubic hair
- Trimming “public hair” or the hair the public can see!! Underarm, facial, shaving legs and haircuts
- Bras
- Cleaning private parts
- Menstrual hygiene
Chris is fascinated when I cut myself. He touches it and picks at the scab. These days we must educate about blood.
- Do not touch blood or wounds
- Do not put your mouth on public water fountain spigots
- Public restrooms-do not play with paper, do not touch the toilet or the water and please don’t be too social!
Parents keep products in the same familiar place. It helps with the sequence.
Hygiene promotes confidence and personal strength. Cleanliness shows others that you care about yourself and possess self esteem. Give your child a chance to make friends and form relationships. Provide the tools, the guidance and the love. Respect your child’s choice to spend time alone but also the need for socialization skills.
Chris looks clean, smells good and dresses pretty cool. I think that’s why he is always smiling.
© Bill DavisIf you like this article, you’ll love Bill’s audio seminar!
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